Funds Jokes / Recent Jokes
When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.
When someone says this is as bad as it can get, don`t bet on it.
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
When you don`t have an education, you`ve got to use your brains.
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.
When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.
When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.
When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
A Safe Bet, Bush Reassures Nation
In a bold move to privatize Social Security, President George W. Bush today put all of the program's funds under the control of former Education Secretary William Bennett, urging Mr. Bennett to "work your magic" on the nation's nest egg.
Recognizing that many retirees are nervous about the privatization of America's retirement system, Mr. Bush reassured them today, stating flatly, "Bill Bennett is a safe bet."
"I have known Bill Bennett for many years," Mr. Bush told reporters. "This is a man who knows when to hold' em and knows when to fold' em."
A beaming Mr. Bennett stood at Mr. Bush's side, the former Education Secretary wearing what he later called "my lucky hat."
He spoke briefly with reporters before boarding a plane for the Venetian casino in Las Vegas, where he said he would begin to implement his "can't lose" investment plan for more...
IN THE BEGINNING [author unknown]
(To justify God’s ways to the 21st century.)
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
: Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
: God
#Enter password.
: Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
: Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
: Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12: 01: 00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
: Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
: Create light
#Done
: Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12: 02: 00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92. 50.
#And God logged on at 12: 01: 00 AM, Monday, March 2.
: Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
: Create firmament
#Done.
: Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 more...
1689--Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp.
1691--Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew abandons him.
1692--Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.
1703--Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but still intact.
1704--Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar base.
1705--Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.
1716--After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar artifacts, as more...
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying,' Insufficient Funds'."