Claus Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Santa on Trial
    You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:
    Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole
    Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go
    Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker's Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees
    You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year
    Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly
    Failing to file a flight plan for your travels
    Failing to equip your more...

    Sung to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town

    You better watch out,
    You better not cry,
    You better not pout,
    I'm telling you why,
    Santa Claus is tapping,
    Your phone.

    He's buggin your room,
    He's reading your mail,
    He's keeping a file
    And runnin a tail
    Santa Claus is tapping
    Your phone

    He hears you in the bedroom
    Surveils you out of doors
    And if that doesn't get the goods
    Then he'll use provocateurs.

    So you mustn't assume
    That you are secure
    On Christmas Eve
    He'll kick in your door
    Santa Claus is tapping
    Your phone...

    Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
    Sweating his fat away
    Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
    Water-skis on his sleigh
    Never have a white Christmas
    When you in Melbourne live
    Wearing hot pants on the beach
    When you your presents give
    Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
    Sweating his fat away
    Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
    Water-skis on his sleigh
    Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk
    Castles in the sand
    Eating ice-cream, having good talks
    Warm Christmas, isn't that grand?

    The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus' organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs."
    Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads, in part:
    You better watch out.
    You better not cry.
    You better not pout.
    I'm telling you why.
    Santa Claus is coming to town.
    He sees more...

    Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking
    down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
    Who gets it?
    A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

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