Fuck Jokes / Recent Jokes

December 26, 1999Dear Santa, You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?! That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year more...

Fuck is such a versatile word... Greetings: How the fuck are you! Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer. Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now. Confusion: What the fuck...? Retaliation: Up your fucking ass! Denial: I didn't fucking do it. Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway? Suspicion: Who the fuck are you? Directions: Fuck off. Chronology: It's Five-Fucking-Thirty! Business: I hate this fucking job. Oedipal: Motherfucker. The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history: Where the fuck is all that water coming from?-Captain of the TitanicThat's not a fucking real gun. - John LennonWho's going to fucking know?-President NixonAny fucking idiot could understand that. - Albert EinsteinWhat the fuck was that?-Mayor of HiroshimaIt fucking does "so" look like her. - PicassoHow the fuck did you work that out?-PythagorasYou want "what" on the fucking ceiling?-MichelangeloFuck a duck. - Walt DisneyScattered showers my fucking ass!-NoahPick up the fuckin' more...

POEM # 1
Roses are red,
Pickles are green,
I love your legs and what's between.
POEM # 2
Roses are red,
Grass is green,
Open your legs,
And I'll fuck you clean.
POEM # 3
I like your style,
I like your class,
but most of all I like your ass.
POEM # 4
Im a cool girl, in a cool town,
It takes a real mother fucker to put me down.
POEM # 5
Kissing is a habit,
Fucking is a game,
Guys get all the pleasure,
Girls get all the pain.
The guy says I love you,
You believe it's true,
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says "to hell with you".
10 minutes of pleasure,
9 monthes in pain,
3 days in hospital,
A baby without a name.
The baby is a bastard,
The mother is a whore,
This never wouldn't have happened,
If the rubber hadn't torn.
POEM # 6
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.
POEM # 7
Smoke a smoke,
Not a butt;
Fuck a more...

What the fuck was that?
The Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at all these fucking Indians
General Custer
Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!
- Captain of the Titanic
That's not a fucking real gun
John Lennon
The fucking throttle's stuck
Donald Campbell
Who's going to fucking know?
President Nixon
Heads are going to fucking roll
Henry VIII
Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out
King Harold
Scattered showers my fucking ass
Noah
Where the fuck have you been?
Stanley to Livingston
Can you smell fucking gas?
Captain of the Hindenburg
Fuck you Brutus!
Julius Caeser

What the fuck was that? The Mayor of HiroshimaLook at all these fucking IndiansGeneral CusterFull speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!- Captain of the TitanicThat's not a fucking real gunJohn LennonThe fucking throttle's stuckDonald CampbellWho's going to fucking know? President NixonHeads are going to fucking rollHenry VIIIWatch him, he'll have some fucker's eye outKing HaroldScattered showers my fucking assNoahWhere the fuck have you been? Stanley to LivingstonCan you smell fucking gas? Captain of the HindenburgFuck you Brutus! Julius Caeser

One day a priest saw a young boy was playing baseball by himself and stop to watch!
The boy threw the ball and swung he missed and said Fuck I missed, and repeated this once more!
The priest then decided to tell the to stop cursing by say: Young man if you swear once more the sky will darken and lightning shall strike down and strike you dead!
The boy thought whatever
So again he picked up his bat and threw the ball and missed and said Fuck I missed! Then just like the priest said the sky darkened and lighting struck and all of the sudden heard a loud voice say Fuck I missed!

A bunch of men are in a locker room at the gym, just out from the steam room. One man's phone rings, he answers it. The conversation between him and his girlfriend is as follows: "Hey honey!" "hey..." "I love ya!" "When are you gonna be home to feed us?" "Fuck ya'all! I hate you! The kids can starve!" "I've been loyal to you and this is what I get?!" "Go fuck a cow!" "I never wanna see your face again!" "Yours neither!" The man hangs up, laughing. "So, who's phone is this anyway?"