Friend Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
The hunters "A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:

(This is a joke for you and a friend. Tell your friend that everytime you ask a question to answer with "Ketchup and liquor")
You: What did you have for breakfast?
Friend: Ketchup and Liquor.
You: What did you have for lunch?
Friend: Ketchup and Liquor.
You: What did you have for dinner?
Friend: Ketchup and Liquor.
You: You see a hott girl walking down the street. What do you do?
Friend: Ketchup and Liquor.

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I more...

To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isn't a problem.What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code ListCode Number Explanation
--- 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at more...

A happily married man, Irving Topper, found himself driving through a badly paved country road in upstate Rhinebeck, New York. A sudden flat tire sent the car wobbling to a standstill.
The lights in a nearby health manor invited Topper to rap on the door. An attractive lady opened the door and asked what she could do for him. He told her his problem and wondered if he could seek the shelter of her house until dawn, whe he would repair the flat. The lady agreed and invited him into her parlor.
One word led to another; one drink let to another; one touch led to another. Irving Topper was soon divested of his clothes and snuggling in the lady's bed with an equally naked lady.
In the morning Topper thanked her for her hospitality, told her his name was Herman Thompson, changed his tire, and drove off.
About six months later, Topper received a call from his friend Herman Thompson.
"Hey," said Thompson, "did you ever give my name to a lady in Rhinebeck, more...

A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.