Friend Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
She said, more...

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have
enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and
Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.
By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their
forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He more...

An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.
On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn't recognize him at first. "Rob, is that really you?" said the friend. "You look years younger. I didn't know you had a dimple in your chin."
"It's not a dimple, it's my belly button" said the old man and his friend laughed.
"If you think that's funny, take a look at what I'm wearing for a tie!"

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay.
"No, I'm not," the guy replies.
"I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"
"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."
"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"
"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man:' Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?'

The desert man replies:' Man, you gotta kill these things when more...

(Heard on radio station CHNS, Halifax.)
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and
was always trying out new things. One day he thought
he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it
became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned
an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper
of his car to test his theory. His friend said,
"Sure."
So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car
and said to his friend:
"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go
faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and
repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty
well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well
over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling
the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black
Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it
the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about more...

A man met his friend in a shopping centre. The friend had a look at his feet and asked, "Why are you wearing one red and one black sock"? The man paused for a moment then said, "I have married this stupid woman. She buys funny things. I have another pair like this at home".