Five Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sita: "How Old Is Your Sister?"
Geeta: "Twenty Five"
Sita: "But She Says That She Is Twenty"
Geeta: "She Is Right In Her Own Way, You See She Learnt Counting Only At The Age Of Five".

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
"I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
"I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."
"I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes? Antteneye!

(This is one that was told to me by an American when I was in Germany, 30 years ago)

This man had a great pain in his tummy, so he decided to go and see his Doctor.
The Doctor examined the man's stomach and proclaimed that he had a huge worm therein. It was a monster of a worm!
The Doctor told the man that there was only one way in which to get rid of it, and asked him to come back the next evening at 5 pm and to bring a banana, a hammer and a cookie when he comes.
The man exclaimed, "A banana, a hammer and a cookie?" and the doctor replied, "Yes, a banana, a hammer and a cookie.
The man went away puzzled and came at 5pm the next day with a banana, a hammer and a cookie.
The Doctor took the man into his surgery and asked him to take off his pants and to bend over. He then unpeeled the banana and shoved it up the man's arse and beat it right in with the hammer, started a stop-watch and exactly five minutes later he shoved the cookie up more...

(Order): Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
(Chaos): I am here, but my opposite is you.
(Order): Huh?
(Evil): Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
(Truth): My opposite is not here.
(Good): Is your opposite "Lies"?
(Truth): My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
(Evil): )snicker( Figures!
(Order): Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
(Evil): Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
(Good): I have the cards.
(Evil): I've got the chips.
(Truth): I have the beer.
(Chaos): I have the cards!
(Order): Shut up.
...
(Order): Whose deal is it?
(Evil): Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
(Truth): It is Good's deal.
(Good): OK, five card draw... uh, everything is wild.
(Evil): How can anyone win if everything is wild?
(Good): No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
(Order): I like this game.
(Evil): more...

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor..."I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum." "You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, "Thanks."

At a recent Computer Expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:

If GM had developed technology like Mircrosoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to re-install the engine.
5. more...