Fire Jokes / Recent Jokes

As a drunk guy staggers out of the pussy club one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, “If that’s the way you want it, you can keep your fucking ice creams!”

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women.
Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?"
The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace.
The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says more...

Dear Mom and Dad:
Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital, and since I have nowhere to live because of the burned-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a more...

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

* The term "bank teller" originated in the wake of the 1929 stock market crash, when banks began hiring low-paid workers to "tell" throngs of frantic depositors that their money was gone.

* Scandinavian berserkers used to cut out their eyes before battle to spare themselves the sight of the carnage they invariably wrought.

* The city of Slaughter, Texas (population: 11, 284), has never had a homicide occur within its boundaries.

* Rubbing Tabasco on one's upper lip before bedtime is an effective temporary cure for sleep apnea.

* British pop singer Baby Spice is the great-great-great-great-great-great-grandniece of Archduke William Pinkley-Hogue of Standishfordshire, making her 103rd in line for the throne of England.

* Moths are unable to fly during an earthquake.

* When in heat, female hippopotami secrete an oil with a flavor similar to strawberries. Kalahari bushmen use the oil to make flat-bread more...