Everything Jokes / Recent Jokes
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to more...
After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.
She starts crying and then asks, "How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!
And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!
And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you can comforted you? Me!
And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!
How could you leave me, Jimmy? You've been through everything with me."
Jimmy replies, "That's just the problem, Katherine! You're just fucking bad luck!"
After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.She starts crying and then asks, "How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me! And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me! And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you can comforted you? Me! And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me! How could you leave me, Jimmy? You've been through everything with me."Jimmy replies, "That's just the problem, Katherine! You're just fucking bad luck!"
This happened during the Emergency imposed by Mrs. Indira Gandhi in 1975. Bapu Gandhi, up in heaven, was troubled by the thought that after all he had done for his country, no one even remembered his name. He sent for Jawahar Lai Nehru and said "Nehru beta, you ruled the country for many years. What did you do to perpetuate the memory of your Bapu Gandhi?"
"Bapu, I did everything I could. I had a samadhi built on the spot where we cremated your body. On your birthdays and death anniversaries we gathered at the samadhi, sang Ram Dhun and Vaishnav Jan. What more could I do?"
"Who came after you?" asked Bapu.
"I am told Lai Bahadur became Prime Minister after me," replied Nehru.
So Bapu Gandhi sent for Lai Bahadur and put him the same question. Shastri replied: "Bapu, I had a very short time as Prime Minister - only one and a half year, but I had your statues put up in every town and village. I had all your speeches more...
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, "Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
Shane Warne and Simone had been married for more than 10 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that Shane had a secret shoe box under the bed.
When they first got married Shane said,"I am putting a shoe box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81, 874. 25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box she was doubly curious why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box more...