Elected Jokes / Recent Jokes

The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony." "I don't know, what would I wear?" "Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker""But I only eat kosher food""Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food""But how will I get there?" "I'll send a limo, just come mama""Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy. The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme CourtJustices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentlemanon her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?". .."Her brother's a doctor!"

Editor's Note: This is kind of long, and actually considering it's an awful lot like many conversations I've had, not as funny as it might be. But, heck, enjoy it anyhow...

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PeaceNik: Why did you say we are we invading Iraq?

WarMonger: We are invading Iraq because it is in violation of security council resolution 1441. A country cannot be allowed to violate security council resolutions.

PN: But I thought many of our allies, including Israel, were in violation of more security council resolutions than Iraq.

WM: It's not just about UN resolutions. The main point is that Iraq could have weapons of mass destruction, and the first sign of a smoking gun could well be a mushroom cloud over NY.

PN: Mushroom cloud? But I thought the weapons inspectors said Iraq had no nuclear weapons.

WM: Yes, but biological and chemical weapons are the issue.

PN: But I thought Iraq did not have any long more...

The first Jewish woman President is elected.She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.""I don't know, what would I wear?""Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker""But I only eat kosher food""Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food""But how will I get there?""I'll send a limo, just come mama""Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme CourtJustices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentlemanon her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?"..."Her brother's a doctor!"

CARSON CITY, Nev., Dec. 23 (UPI) - A legal brothel outside Carson City, Nev. is offering first-time elected officials a 99 percent discount to help them avoid the kind of scandal that could cost Bill Clinton the presidency.
Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunnyranch, says his longtime clientele includes a number of prominent U.S. senators and congressmen "who don't want to risk their political careers by having extra-marital sex with women who blab." The brothel promises strict confidentiality.
Hof said today he persuaded his employees, who are independent contractors, to go along with the offer, which expires when Clinton's Senate impeachment trial ends.
He got the idea while attending a Christmas party thrown by publisher Larry Flynt.
The "Hustler" publisher announced last week that he had uncovered evidence of extramarital affairs by several GOP congressmen, and planned to publish it.
Hof said, "What's this world come to when Larry more...

This past Election Day, as usual, I didn’t vote. Voting isn’t a system that works. The majority of people are idiots, and in voting, the majority of people are right. Politicians learn early on that they have to lie, make false promises, and hide their real agendas to get the majority of voters, who don’t know what they are talking about, to vote them into office. I don’t really blame them, as that is the position they are put in to succeed. It just makes it impossible to tell who’s corrupt, and who’s trying to help. They all have to lie to some extent. If the good one’s don’t lie, they’ll lose to the bad one’s who do because people are voting based on campaign promises that sound good. If a politician stood there and was realistic with everyone about what they think could be done, he wouldn’t sound very exciting. When have we had a candidate that came anywhere close to delivering what they promised in their campaign? Has that ever happened? Take Obama for more...

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names more...

This stretches the bounds of what might be called "humor" per se, but it
is certainly entertaining, in a chilling sort of way, so I thought I would
share it...
The incidence of coincidence is so prevalent, that it can not be considered coincidence.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Both were shot in the presence of their wives.
The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and to Dallas, respectively.
Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were more...