Drunken Jokes / Recent Jokes

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes more...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 oclock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push. Not a chance says the husband - Its three oclock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was it? asks his wife. Just a drunken stranger asking for a push he answers. Did you help him? she asks. NO, I didnt-its three in the morning and its pouring out! Well, youve got a short memory says his wife. Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him. The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: Hello, are you still there? Yes, comes the answer. Do you still want a push? calls out the husband. Yes, please! comes the reply from the dark. Where are you? asks the husband. Over here, on the swing the drunk replies.

It was Christmas Eve. Harry and Shirley had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.
Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door. Harry was very unhappy about this. He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by disheveled man who was obviously the worse for drink.
'Th'cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth."
"Help you with a push!" said Harry. "You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!" And slammed the door into the man's face.
He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife.
"How could you be so mean and uncharitable." she said. "Surely this evening's sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the more...

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk. "Im looking for my car, and I cant find it." "So how does feeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk. "Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!"

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.
Wiping his mouth off on his shirtsleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I'm already two hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself. My wife is gonna kill me.
The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"
The first says, "Yeah, why?"
The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time."
The first guy says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.
Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guy's wife is waiting up for more...

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37. 00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37. 00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street. more...