Drinking Jokes / Recent Jokes
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve snails' and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says... 'What did you do that for!'
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I raise the tiolet seat and pee onto the inside of the bowl. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw open the door to the bathroom, stand on top of the toilet tank to pee into the water, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say,' How about some sex!!' and she's always sound asleep.
A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . .."
"STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope..."
"NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.
One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..."
"NO sports talk...That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"
"Sure, that we can talk about", replies the barkeep.
"GREAT... GO SCREW YOURSELF!"
Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and
tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the
days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West
means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)
So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at
the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up
fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he
(Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: "If you
ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save
what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of
town as fast as you can."
Fred was pretty perplexed more...
An Irishman, Englishman andScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands themover, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.The Scotsman picks out thefly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.The Irishman reaches in tothe glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit itout, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
(where "pppphhhhhbbbttttt" equals sticking you tongue between your
lips and blowing air. A pseudo Bronx cheer.)
A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
up the the bar and sets on down. He proceeds to order a beer for
himself and for the little Leprechaun.
Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally
the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, trots down the bar
and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks
at the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbttttttt" right to the
big guy's face.
Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddy's shoulder.
The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on
this breach of manners.
After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbbttt"
to the more...