Direct Jokes / Recent Jokes
The James Bond Award to a Japanese businessman who recently left Houston to take a new job in his native country. To friends and acquaintances, he supplied his new direct phone number, but warned, "The phone will only be activated when the caller says, 'You have a paint job' (9 to 5) or 'You have a golf game' (24 hours). I await your call."
The Plain English Award to Faroudja Inc. The Silicon Valley company announced two new processors in a news release that told us: "A new YPrPb output allows the DVP3000 and DVP3000U to connect to the growing number of entry-level HDTV-ready sets in which an RGB output may not be compatible. New direct access infrared control software optimizes the models for use in theater or A/V installations employing IR-based control systems. RS232 serial computer control is also included."
Our Stupid Lawyer Trick Award to the attorneys for the Galleria. In a letter castigating me for my use of the term "the Galleria area" more...
Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to more...
How Dogs and Men Are the Same: (men keep reading, you'll get your turn)
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better than Men:
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a more...
A man went to a payphone out the front of a church. The cost of the call was 40c.
He went inside and said to the priest, I have been around the world and in nearly all the church payphones I go to the calls cost $10000, when I aksed why, they said it was becuse the phone was a direct link to god. Oh okay i said.
But when i got here the call cost is 40c. Why. Are you a direct link to god as well?
Yes said the priest but for us it is a local call!
A visitor to the vatican met with the Pope and noticed a red phone sitting on his desk.
What's that for?, he asked.
"Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Pope.
The visitor said, "Wow, how much is a call?"
The Pope answered, "$2,000 per minute."
A few days later the same visitor met the Israeli Prime Minister and noticed a red phone on his desk.
"What's that for?", he asked. "Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Prime Minister.
The visitor asked "How much is a call?"
The Prime Minister said "20 cents per minute."
The astonsished visitor said, "It can't be. I just saw the Pope who said a call to the Lord is $2,000 per minute."
The Prime Minister answered, "That was long distance, here the Lord is just a local call."
A visitor to the vatican met with the Pope and noticed a red phone sitting on his desk.What's that for?, he asked."Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Pope.The visitor said, "Wow, how much is a call?"The Pope answered, "$2,000 per minute."A few days later the same visitor met the Israeli Prime Minister and noticed a red phone on his desk."What's that for?", he asked. "Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Prime Minister.The visitor asked "How much is a call?"The Prime Minister said "20 cents per minute."The astonsished visitor said, "It can't be. I just saw the Pope who said a call to the Lord is $2,000 per minute."The Prime Minister answered, "That was long distance, here the Lord is just a local call."