Die Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below). If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers). Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained. The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i. e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide. In a chase, the more...

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross more...

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor' what did you do on Earth?' The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor,' you may go in.' St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her' you may go in.' St. Peter asked the third man,' what did you do?' The man hung his head and replied,' I ran a large HMO.' To which St. Peter replied,' you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A Muslim, a Croat, and a Serb were sitting near a river bank. Suddenly a figure emerged from the water and said,' Each one of you make a wish and it will be granted.'
The Serb spoke first:' I wish all the Croats would die!'
The Croat retaliated,' I wish all the Serbs would die!'
It was now the turn of the Muslim,' All I want is a cup of tea,' he said.' My two fondest wishes have just been fulfilled!'

When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In hissleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

Arriving in HeavenThree men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter. St. Peter: Hi, what's your name? Paul: My name is Paul. St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Paul: 120K. St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money? Paul: I was a lawyer. St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name? Roger: My name is Roger. St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Roger: 60K. St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living? Roger: I was an accountant. St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name? John: My name is John. St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died? John: About $23, 000. St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?