Devices Jokes

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    This is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
    Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.
    Here's how it works:
    This device is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
    Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, the devices with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information more...

    Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek-----------------------------------------There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision. Medical Technology------------------------On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and sealyour ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices. Transporter--------------It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that more...

    "Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Northwest Flight 571, service to Los Angeles continuing on to San Diego.I am your chief purser and Captain Vinod Devasia is in control of this flight. Before we take off, we'd like to acquaint you with some of the safety features of this Boeing 767. You know about the emergency exits, oxygen masks, floating seat cushions, and so on, so we will not waste time with those. Consult the cards in your seat pocket for information on all features of our aircraft. "Please do pay attention to the new security features. "In the event of midair terrorism, a panel will open alongside the window seat, containing two lightweight automatic handguns. They are fully loaded, and extra clips are available in velcro straps. As the flight attendants are now demonstrating, to operate the pistol, simply draw back the slide and let it fall forward, then aim by lining up the slot in the rear site with the front site, cantered on the middle of more...

    1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
    2. When paying for a taxi, don`t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
    3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it`s aired.
    4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
    5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it`s the door to a burning building with a child inside.
    6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
    7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
    8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. more...

    IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
    Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to:
    PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.
    YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
    WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
    We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the more...

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