"New Safety Devices" joke
"Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Northwest Flight 571, service to Los Angeles continuing on to San Diego.I am your chief purser and Captain Vinod Devasia is in control of this flight. Before we take off, we'd like to acquaint you with some of the safety features of this Boeing 767. You know about the emergency exits, oxygen masks, floating seat cushions, and so on, so we will not waste time with those. Consult the cards in your seat pocket for information on all features of our aircraft. "Please do pay attention to the new security features. "In the event of midair terrorism, a panel will open alongside the window seat, containing two lightweight automatic handguns. They are fully loaded, and extra clips are available in velcro straps. As the flight attendants are now demonstrating, to operate the pistol, simply draw back the slide and let it fall forward, then aim by lining up the slot in the rear site with the front site, cantered on the middle of your targets torso. Depress the trigger repeatedly to fire. The pistol holds 10 rounds after the last the slide will lock back.Depress the clip release button located above the grip on the left side, remove the clip and slide a new one into place. Please be careful of your field of fire, and continue firing until your target goes down. "Your seats backs are equipped with Kevlar armour, stay well down and aim over the top or around the side. "Your flight attendants are all armed with compact submachine guns please follow their lead in directing fire. "If you feel you are unable to perform these duties, or are a conscientious objector, please let our attendants know so we can reseat you in the' cowards rows' at the rear of the plane and not bring you drinks or peanuts. "For your safety, the aisles are equipped with electrified strips and computer controlled antipersonnel mines. For this reason, please remain in your seats until the captain has signalled all clear. "Note that the area around the cockpit is cleared of seats and marked with contrasting carpet. Under no circumstances should you cross this barrier during flight, various automatic devices will be activated to protect the cockpit. "The hatch in the floor at the back of the cabin is similarly marked and should be avoided during flight. "Anyone creating a disturbance, caught tampering with the pistol cases or smoke detectors in the lavatories will be apprehended and ejected via the rear floor hatch. "Thank you, and have a pleasant flight. We know you have a choice when you fly, and we thank you for choosing Northwest..."
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