Deep Jokes / Recent Jokes

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."...I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants
to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the
biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes more...

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

The Schitt family tree... Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and
Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the
owner of Kneedeep Schitt Inn. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt,
and the deeply religious couple produced six children. Holy Schitt, their
first, unfortunately passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin
sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Loada Schitt and Giva
Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Against his parents'objections,
Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, who was a high school dropout. Dip
Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they produced a son, Chicken Schitt.
Loada Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their
childhood, and married the Happens brothers in a grand, joyous dual
ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrdd Schitt,
and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the
world. He has recently more...

SO YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SCHITT?
He's the only son of Awh Schitt. Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. They produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lota Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of baby Schitt.
Now you know Jack Schitt

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt - Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a 1 in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
A man walks into a bar with a crocodile and asks "Do you serve Lawyers here?"
"We sure do", the bar tender answered.
"Good," the man says "I? ll have a beer and my croc more...