David Jokes / Recent Jokes

"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

- "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

- "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)

- After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)

- On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)

- "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno)

- "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)

- "The lead car

Eliot Spitzer has quickly become the butt of many late-night jokes. He was the focus of The Late Show with David Letterman's Top Ten list, about messages Spitzer has on his answer machine now.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
When David was hit more...

Bad Attitude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren`t were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird`s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft Israeli dance music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David`s extended arm and said, "I`m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you every week to pray and I will more...

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKINGWhenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. - - Mariah CareyQuestion: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. - - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contestResearchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. - - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. - - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. Smoking kills. If you're more...

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?""My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob."Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you takingso long to make this shot?""My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob."Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."