Cricket Jokes / Recent Jokes

An American who knew nothing of the game had been taken to a few cricket matches by a friend and was now studying the end-of-season averages.

Every now and then he came across an asterisk and the words:' Signifies not out.' Finally, he turned to his friend and said:

'Why don't you get this guy Signifies to play for your side? He's never out!'

'I'm proud to say that in thirty years of playing cricket, I've never scored less than twenty five runs and never taken less than three wickets,' said George.

'I wish I could say that,' said Ted.

Harry spoke up.' Well, why don't you? George just did!'

The cricket fan had dragged his wife and child along to the ground to watch the local side.

He watched with interest, but they were plainly bored and shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

The child brightened and turned to the mother.

'They just shouted' Over', she said.

'I know.' replied her mother, wearily,' but don't take any notice. It goes on and on and on.'

This Australian cricket supporter is at the World Cup final when he has a heart attack. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, he meets up with St. Peter, who asks him why he thinks he deserves to enter Heaven.
"Well," the Aussie says, "three weeks ago I gave ten dollars to a charity for the disabled!"
St. Peter frowns and says, "What else?"
"Two weeks ago I gave ten dollars to the homeless shelter!" the Aussie continues.
"What else?"
"A week ago I gave ten dollars to the orphanage!"
So Peter tells the Aussie to wait for just a minute and he'll be right back. About five minutes later Peter returns and says, "Well, I have discussed your case with the Boss, and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now go to Hell!"

What is a grasshopper?
An insect on a pogo stick!


What do you call a grasshopper with no legs?
A grasshover!


Why is it better to be a grasshopper than a cricket?
Because grasshoppers can play cricket but crickets can`t play grasshopper!


What is green and can jump a mile in a minute?
A grasshopper with hiccups!


What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together?
Chimney Cricket!

STANDARD BACKYARD CRICKET RULES

Can't Get Out First Ball: Curious rule introduced to give the token unco bastard a reprieve. Smart-arse batsmen use it to hone their reverse sweep - which becomes interesting when smart-arse bowlers use it to hone their beamer.

Caught Behind: Since no-one has the desire or the reflexes to stand in the slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes instant dismissal. Has signalled the death of the late cut.

One Hand, One Bounce: This popular innovation (When a fielder can dismiss a batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first bounce)is essential to the very fabric of the sport. Importantly, it means a game can be organised with a minimum of players. More importantly, it means you don't have to put your beer down.

No LBW: When no umpires are available (or trustworthy), the only option is to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen shuffle across the crease as if test driving a Zimmer more...

A very keen cricketer asked a divine, allegedly with good connections on high, whether there was any cricket in heaven.
The priest replied:"I cant tell you now, but if you come back on Sunday, I might have an answer. "
On sundaythe priest told the cricketer: "I've had good news and bad news. The good news is: Yes, there is cricket in heaven. And now for the bad news: You are in to bat on Friday! "