Cousin Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Texas cowboy got a visit from his cousin who lives in the east. He thought he would show his city-slicker cousin a local Indian tribe so he could see how they were "one with the land". The cowboy and his cousin come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. The cowboy stops and says to his cousin, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the city-slicker." Look," says the cowboy, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction!"Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cousin to the cowboy." This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. AMAZING!!!"The Indian looks up and says..."Ran over me about a half hour ago."

1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor`s door.
4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.
5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn`t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds."
8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can`t do the paper because you`re not sure if the more...

Tim once took his small cousin with him while he went fishing: When he returned, he was looking very fed up. "Ill never do that again," he complained to his Dad. "Did she frighten off the fish?" enquired Dad. "No," replied Tim. "She sat on the bank and ate all my maggots."

A Texas cowboy got a visit from his cousin who lives in the east.
He thought he would show his city-slicker cousin a local Indian tribe so he could see how they were "one with the land".

The cowboy and his cousin come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. The cowboy stops and says to his cousin, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the city-slicker.

"Look," says the cowboy, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction!"

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cousin to the cowboy.
"This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. more...

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones... The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia. ....... U. GoghThe brother who bleached all his clothes white. . Hue GoghThe sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars. .. Go GoghThe real obnoxious brother. ......... Please GoghThe brother who ate prunes. ........... Gotta GoghThe uncle who worked at a convenience store. ...... Stop N GoghHis dizzy aunt. ............ Verti GoghThe cousin that moved to Illinois. ........ Chicah GoghHis magician uncle. ............. Wherediddy GoghThe cousin who lived in Mexico. ......... Amee GoghAnother cousin who lived in Mexico. ........ Green GoghNephew that drove a stage coach. ......... Wells Far GoghAunt who was a good dancer. ............. Tan Gogh

Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records (with some comments by me). Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I'm going to RUN!!!
The patient denies pregnancy. (And I certainly think he should.)
She does a lot of work around the house. It is kind of localized in the left buttock area.
He was not to lift or drive his car.
For the last 48 hours, the patient was carrying a refrigerator up the stairs. (L-O-O-ONG stairs.)
An ultrasound was ordered on admission of the left foot. (and the patient came back to visit his foot almost evey day.)
Father is currently deceased. (So he may come back???)
She is a small-appearing elderly female. (She only appears small; she's actually 6 foot 2.)
The patient has no temperature today. (Really? The planet Pluto has a temperature!)
The patient has a questionable cousin with more...

A New York boy was being led through the swamps ofLouisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won'tattack you if you carry a flashlight?" The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast yacarry the flashlight."