Counter Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes
that there is no way he could more...

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here,' The three wise man came from afar.'"

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I more...

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full, so I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm more...

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and places it on the counter.
"What are you doing, sir?" she asks.
"This is a clock shop," he replied, "and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around hisneck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it'shis turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchaseand noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and askedthe dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so thebutcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,"Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butchersaid, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made upa package of four pork chops. The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could getat the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money beforetying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow thedog. The dog walked for several blocks more...

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over. He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please." The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?" The old man says, "No, Arthritis!"