Confessional Jokes / Recent Jokes

In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.

The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation—surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for more...

MURPHY goes into the confessional and says to his priest "I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
MURPHY says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped"
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
MURPHY leaves the confessional, says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "MURPHY!!! I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
MURPHY replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.

The girl knelt in the confessional and said,"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.""What is it, child?""Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirrorand tell myself how beautiful I am."The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn'ta sin... it's simply a mistake."

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?"' The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?"'

There was an old priest who had grown sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
The parishioners liked the old priest so much, they came up with a code word. When someone had committed adultery, they would instead say that they had 'fallen'.
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until he passed away at a ripe, old age. Several days after the new priest arrived, he visited the town's mayor and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor," the priest said, "something must be done about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me that they have fallen."
The mayor began to laugh, realizing that no one had thought to tell the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor had a chance to explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and said, "I more...

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest more...

Called away for an emergency, a priest didn't want to leave the confessional unattended, so he called his rabbi friend and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come over and he would stay with him for a little while and show him what to do. The rabbi came over and he and the priest entered the confessional.
A few minutes later, a woman entered and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."
"How many times?" the priest asked.
"Three times, Father," replied the woman.
"Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more," instructed the priest.
A few minutes later, a man entered the confessional and said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asked the priest.
"I committed adultery," the man confessed.
"How many times?" the priest more...