Conduct Jokes / Recent Jokes

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Father: This report gives you a D for conduct and an A for courtesy. How on earth did you manage that?
Son: Easy. Whenever I punch someone, I apologize.

Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the
head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two
years
and cost over $180, 000. The results of the study concluded that the
head
of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with
more
pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own
study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the
US
study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in
excess
of $250, 000, they concluded thatthe head of a man's
penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more
pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided to
conduct their own studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive
research and a cost of right around $75, the Polish study was complete.
The polish more...

Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

Judge: What were you doing?

1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.

Judge: And what were you doing?

2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?

3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!

Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.Judge: What were you doing? 1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.Judge: And what were you doing? 2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well? 3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!

The Immense Consequences
The death under any circumstances of a member of the Royal Family would be
a cause for sadness. Had anyone made a list of those whose death might
have been anticipated, Princess Diana's name would have been last on it,
hence the worldwide shock and outpouring of grief: disbelief, anger,
analysis, sadness and perhaps the reluctant beginnings of acceptance.
Strong emotions would have been triggered had any Royal been even slightly
injured in an accident. The sudden, total loss of Diana, Princess of
Wales in a violent car crash is one of the greatest national tragedies to
befall Britain since the Second World War.
The memory of August 31, 1997 will long remain in people's minds: first
we saw the gruesome wreckage of the Mercedes after hitting an underpass
wall at high speed following a reckless chase through Paris from the Place
Vendome to the Pont De L'Alma. By strange twists of fate, the more...