Computer Jokes / Recent Jokes

What does a blonde an a computer have in common?
You never appreciate either one until they go down on you.

Imagine there's no Windows,
It's easy if you try.
No fatal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives.
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!
Imagine never ending hard disks,
It isn't hard to do.
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money.
You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us
And your games will fit in RAM
Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can.
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again.
Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!
You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
Maybe someday I'll be a cracker
And then I'll make Windows run.

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and more...

Systems analyst: It's time you upgraded your computer network.

Business manager: Oh, we can't get rid of this computer.

Systems analyst: With a new system, your operation will be faster. Why would you want to keep this old computer?

Business manager: It knows too much.

Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate and Expert. Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company`s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it". At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer`s microphone. "Where is my father?" he asked. There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa. Clever Guest laughed. "Actually", he said, "My father is dead"! It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question more...

I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I
placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information. So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way.Almost.Saleswoman: “Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?”Customer: “What exactly does a ‘modem with no sound support’ mean?”Saleswoman: “It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you
won't be able to hear it.”Customer: “What does the modem have to do with that?”Saleswoman: “Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet.”Customer: “So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets
passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?”Saleswoman: “Yes.”Customer: “How does more...