Computer Jokes / Recent Jokes

PCMCIA - People Can`t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms. IBM - I Blame Microsoft. ISDN - It Still Does Nothing. MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers. RAM - Rarely Adequate Memory ROM - Really Old Machine APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity. SCSI - System Can`t See It. PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics. LISP - Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis. DOS - Defunct Operating System.

Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ". gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly. Source code no longer ones and zeros - try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, "Here's to my sweet Satan." Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T. New desktop icon - click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products." Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me." TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings. Desktop more...

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we called the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"

Customer: "Ive been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but theres a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time." Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?" Customer: "Of course I am. Thats why I bought it." Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?" Customer: "Dont get rude with me, of course I do." Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results." Customer: "I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it."

Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker...
You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective!" Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa." Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)***I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the more...

In March, 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.In April he received another bill and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest more...