Common Jokes / Recent Jokes
What do turtles and blondes have in common?
Once there on their back they're screwed.
Man - A Chemical AnalysisElement: Man Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole) Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4inches. Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs) Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. Physical properties: a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others. b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God. c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz). f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. i) Often damaged as a direct more...
Husband: “Shall we try a different position tonight? ”
Wife: “That’s a good idea…. you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. ”
What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
Why do bald guy’s have holes in their pockets?
So they can run their fingers through their hair.
What do men and diapers have in common?
They are always on your ass and full of shit.
I married Mister Right. I just didn’t know his first name was Always.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
Why do men call women birds?
Because more...
When do you care for a man’s company?
When he owns it.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.
Why do men have legs?
So their brains don’t drag on the ground.
“You and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common, ” said the new tenant’s neighbor. “Why on earth did you get married? ” “I suppose it was the old business of ‘opposites attract’, ” was the reply. “He wasn’t pregnant and I was. ”
What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Man: “Haven’t we met before? ”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic. ”
Why do men like masturbation?
It’s sex with someone they love.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how more...
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box
Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
A: Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.
Q: What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common.
A: They both go in and out of Victoria
Q: What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.
Q: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards
What do men have in common with toilet bowls, aniversaries, andclitorises? They miss them all.
Q. What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
A. You hear of them but you never see them.