Colonel Jokes / Recent Jokes

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge.
The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa.
After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar.
When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize.
The Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

(Hi guys, I received these jokes from a friend. May be a little outdated but still enjoyable.)
1) When Paula Barbieri signed up for MCI friends and family, what was the first number she gave?
- "911"
2) What was the best selling Halloween Costume the previuos year?
- An O. J. Simpson costume.
Why are stores refusing to carry it?
- They are always returned because the gloves don't fit.
3) Who's the dumbest person in America?
- OJ's next girlfriend!
4) The Florida Orange Growers Association has offered to pay all of OJ's legal bills on one
condition.
- He has to change his name to snapple.
5) Why did OJ's kids want to live with their dad?
- They knew they could get away with murder.
6) Where was Kato Kalin between 9 and 12?
- In the fourth grade.
7) What did Johnny Cochran say when accused of beating his wife?
- At least I didn't kill her like some people I know.
8) It seems that Bob more...

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.

During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear.A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir,"
the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's like instant messaging."Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"

A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User`s Manual?
The bus and train timetables.
What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A bloody miracle.
One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the borders just for one day." Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?" The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."
Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn`t there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat more...

A general calls a colonel:- Do you have a couple of smart majors?- Yes I do.- Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.

There was a Barber Shop on a military reservation, and a Colonel and a Sergeant are both getting haircuts. The Colonel's barber is about done with him, and asks him if he wishes hair tonic.

The Colonel says, "Hell no, if I get that stuff on my hair, my wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!". Right after that, the Sergeant's barber asks him the same question.

The Sergeant replies, "Go ahead and put some on, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like!".