Claudia Jokes / Recent Jokes
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English more...
"My, but you look different today Claudia," commented Rene to her coworker. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use - special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?"
"No!" replied Claudia. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."
The Perfect Day According To...
HER
8: 45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
9: 00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9: 30 - Light breakfast
11: 00 - Sunbathe
12: 30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1: 45 - Shopping
2: 30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
3: 00 - Facial, massage, nap
7: 30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10: 00 - Make love
11: 30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIM
10: 00 - Wake up
10: 02 - SEX
10: 10 - Big Breakfast
11: 30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2: 15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
3: 15 - SEX
3: 25 - Play sports with the guys
4: 30 - Drink BEER with the guys
6: 30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
6: 40 - SEX
6: 50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
8: 00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer
11: 00 - Full on, get down, gorilla more...
David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like toshow him a trick. "I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table." "Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage. He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and startsfucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies,"I know, it's fucking magic."
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking, `The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.`
Claudia Schiffer was thinking, `The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.`
And the Irishman was thinking, `This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I`ll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard more...
The Perfect Day According To... HER8: 45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses9: 00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale9: 30 - Light breakfast11: 00 - Sunbathe12: 30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe1: 45 - Shopping2: 30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs. 3: 00 - Facial, massage, nap7: 30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing10: 00 - Make love11: 30 - Pillow talk in his big strong armsHIM10: 00 - Wake up10: 02 - SEX10: 10 - Big Breakfast11: 30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters2: 15 - Enormous lunch with BEER3: 15 - SEX3: 25 - Play sports with the guys4: 30 - Drink BEER with the guys6: 30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer6: 40 - SEX6: 50 - Huge dinner, more BEER8: 00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer11: 00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER11: 10 - Sleep2: 30 - Fart
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: “We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately! ”
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: “What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash! ”
Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up. ”
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: “Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about more...