Christmas Jokes / Recent Jokes
All stations are to be on the lookout for the following
individual(s) that are WANTED by an agency(ies) within the United
States of America. The US State Department has expressed interest
in extraditing the following individual(s) from anywhere in the
world.
NAME
Kringle, Christopher Also Known As Santa, Jolly Old Man, Saint Nick
RACE
Unknown
HEIGHT
6' 0"
WEIGHT
320 lbs
SCARS/TATTOOS
Across both buttocks words Merry Christmas.
LAST SEEN WEARING
Red suit pants and Jacket with red thermal underwear. Red hat,
with white tassel.
KNOWN TO BE DRIVING
1964 red convertible, with a nine Reindeer powered engine. Vehicle
was displaying a red light on front, in violation of the State of
Alaska Vehicle and Traffic law.
WANTED FOR THE FOLLOWING CIMINAL VIOLATIONS
Being Jolly in a No Jolly zone,
Breaking and entering more...
Q. How is the Italian version of Christmas different?A. One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys.
It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably
well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end
had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying
elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone
who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I
was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become
one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe.
Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some
of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and
pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very
Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent
it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I
would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery more...
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas
present for his granddaughter.
The toy arrived in 189 pieces.
The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.
It took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it
into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.
"Least Popular Christmas Carols" (as sung by the Late Show Carolers)
As presented on the 12/03/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
"I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King"
"Boris the Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had an 86-Proof Nose"
"Im Searching For the Real Killers With Every Round of Golf I Play"
"Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You're Going to Jail for One-to-Three"
"Influenza, Influenza, Influenza, Influenza"
"O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie"
"Frosty the Crackhead Had a Crack Pipe Full of Crack"
"I Have an Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum"
"O.J. Is Free Although He's Prob'ly Guilty"
"Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants in a Cheap Hotel Room"
After Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay about how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:
We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags, because they don't know who they are.
They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it is alright now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They go in it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak more...
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - he's always stuffed!