Christmas Jokes / Recent Jokes

'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;

I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"

When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burglar alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

Some red-suited clown with a white beard more...

T’was the week before Christmas and all through the school Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule. The children were busy with paper and paste; The mess that they made with it couldn’t be faced.

The teacher half frantic and almost in tears, Had just settled down to work with her dears, When out in the hall there arose such a clatter up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!

Away to the door they all flew like a flash; The one who was leading went down with a crash. Then what to their wondering eyes did appear But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)

When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick. She knew in a moment it must be (the janator) Old Nick! She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain) But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;

”Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry! Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry! Now get to your places get away from the hall Now get away! Get away! more...

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a nativity scene in
Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn’t for any religious or
constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find Three
wise men and a virgin in the nation’s capitol.

Day 1 Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las
night with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree
would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
Day 2 Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got
was 2 scrawny pigeon.
Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3 Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I’m tired of
eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to
Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog,
Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting
rooster.
Day 4 Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez
four, what you call “calling bird” wuz so noisy you could hear dem all
da’ way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the
rest of dem to the gators.
Day 5 Dear Emile, You finally sent more...

I remember the 60s, so - at least according to one expert (Wavey Gravy, social commentator and DJ) on the subject - I wasn't THERE. When the 60s recalled these days, it's usually done to point out how angry, vulgar and hateful a time they were. The image is a bit overblown.
At least when it comes to Christmasy things, the 60s weren't all bad. Charlie Schulz gave us "A Charlie Brown Christmas" back then and that's when the Grinch first became famous.
I seem to recall a cycle of whimsically ironic humor from back in the 60s. Now, by "whimsically ironic" I mean Jokes that would come from the lips of a Jonathan Winters rather than pen of a P. J. O'Rourke. Anybody remember these? Anybody remember others?
Look, I don't care what star you're following, get them blasted camels off my lawn!
"Ho, ho, ho" yerself, little fat guy, the hooves of those animals are chewing up my shingles something fierce!

For those of you that might not have heard the REAL story of Christmas, enjoy!
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, everyone into his own city.
And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should deliver. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and more...

All stations are to be on the lookout for the following
individual(s) that are WANTED by an agency(ies) within the United
States of America. The US State Department has expressed interest
in extraditing the following individual(s) from anywhere in the
world.

NAME
Kringle, Christopher Also Known As Santa, Jolly Old Man, Saint Nick

RACE
Unknown

HEIGHT
6' 0"

WEIGHT
320 lbs

SCARS/TATTOOS
Across both buttocks words Merry Christmas.

LAST SEEN WEARING
Red suit pants and Jacket with red thermal underwear. Red hat,
with white tassel.

KNOWN TO BE DRIVING
1964 red convertible, with a nine Reindeer powered engine. Vehicle
was displaying a red light on front, in violation of the State of
Alaska Vehicle and Traffic law.

WANTED FOR THE FOLLOWING CIMINAL VIOLATIONS
Being Jolly in a No Jolly zone,
Breaking and entering more...