Chop Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out - caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says,' What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would more...

There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.The celery was like "Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!"Then the carrot was like "You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!"Then the dick said "Ya, well I got it the worst.They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!"

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I more...

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!! knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and --WHAM!!!"-- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."

So these three people are hiking in a forest, and all of a sudden these headhunters catch them and bring the hikers to the head headhunter.

The head headhunter says "If you want to live you must complete some tasks. First you must go into the forest, pick some fruits, and bring them back"

So the hikers did that and came back.

The head head hunter said "Now you must take the fruits you picked and stick them up your ass."

So the first hiker has apples... Ok, apples it shouldn't be too hard.
1 up okay... 2 up the hiker starts screeming, so the headhunters chop off his head.

The second hiker has grapes. Ok, grapes this should be easy!
1 up okay... 2 up fine... 3... 4 the hiker starts laughing like crazy! The headhunters chop off his head.

So the two hikers who got their heads chopped off are up in Heaven and the hiker who had the apples askes the hiker who had the grapes "What happened... more...