Chocolate Jokes / Recent Jokes
My husband could have had any women he pleased-he just couldn't please any!
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
So many men, so few who can afford me.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Coffee, chocolate, men... Some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I run things at my house! (e. g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc)
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I used to be more...
The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin BowlesPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest more...
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He
wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the
landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his
wife
was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just
barely
able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a
warm,
moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly
whacked
his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."
One Halloween two black children, a brother and a sister, were trick-or-treating as Hansel and Gretel. They came to the first house and knocked on the door. The old lady that answered said, "Children! Go back home and tell your momma that Hansel and Gretel weren't black!"
They went home and told their mother. She pulled out their Romeo and Juliet costumes from last year and quickly got them re-dressed. They went back to the old lady's house where she came to the door and again she said, "Children! Go back home and tell your momma that Romeo and Juliet weren't black!"
Again they went home and told their mother. This time, their mother said "I'll fix that mean old lady. Give me your clothes."
The boy and his sister took off their costumes and their mother sent them back to the old lady's house without a stitch of clothing to wear. They knocked on the door and the old lady answered. "CHILDREN!!" she said. "You're both naked! Now more...
By Barbara Florio GrahamFrom McCall's, June, 1983I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people: avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy; split a large combination pizza with three friends; think Oreo cookies are for kids; nibble cashews one at a time; think that doughnuts are indigestible; read books they have to hold with both hands; become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch; fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips; counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish; exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio; lose their more...