Chew Jokes / Recent Jokes
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the
sofa or under the bed.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering
the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or
after they throw it up.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of
clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
I will not throw up in the car.
"Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not
food.
I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell
them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red
ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the more...
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the. 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and more...
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
"Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am more...
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her. 1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle. 2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots. 3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times. 4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch. 5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang. 6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to. 7. I will get rid of those cats. 8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business. 9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two). 10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me. 11. I will set up the kiddie pool every more...
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
--Groucho Marx
1890-1977
This reminds me of the student who began his Middle Ages story with:
"He was a dark and stormy knight...."
In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class.
Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
Q: What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says "Get that gum out of your mouth", where as the train says "Chew, Chew ".
"The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people."