Cheese Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Can I have some two-handed cheese, please?" a man in a restaurant asked the waiter. "What do you mean, two-handed cheese? asked the waiter. "You know, the kind you eat with one hand and hold your nose with the other."

The setting is a quiet and serene country stream weaving through the gentle hills of a grassy plain. All is quiet and still, and, lo, a small fly hovers a few inches above the quiet waters of the stream.
Beneath the water floats a small fish. The fish thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, I will be able to jump out of the water and catch it.
Now, standing on the bank of the stream lurks a bear. The bear looks at the scene and thinks to itself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will jump out of the water to catch it, and I will be able to dash into the stream and snap up the fish in my mouth.
Crouching nearby the stream, in the tall grass, waits a hunter. The hunter looks at the scene and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will spring out of the water to catch it, then bear will dash out into the river, and I'll get a clear shot at the bear.
Sitting at the entrance to its hole, is a small field mouse. more...

A Thanksgiving Cookbookby Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten ClassNOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook.Ivette - Banana PieYou buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.Russell - TurkeyYou cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it. Geremy - TurkeyYou buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat. Andrew - PizzaBuy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it. Shelby - ApplesauceGo to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it. more...

One day, at lunch at an elementary school, the cafeteria was serving swiss cheese. A little girl received her meal and was disgusted by it.
"Miss lunch lady," she said at the end of the line, "I don't like the holes in my cheese."
"That's okay," she said. "Just eat around them and leave them on your plate."

There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake. A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fy dropped 6 inches I'd get it!!!" A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!" A hunter thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear" A mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich!" A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse!!!" Suddenly it all happened,
The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear get the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water!!!!! more...

"Can I have some two-handed cheese, please?" a man in a restaurant asked the waiter. "What do you mean,' two-handed cheese'?' asked the waiter. "You know, the kind you eat with one hand and hold your nose with the other."

Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today, you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese:

"Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for four?"
"Yes, Thank you."
"Smoking or non?"
"Non smoking."
"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?"
"I guess indoors would be good."
"Very well, sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated in the main dining room, the enclosed patio, or our lovely solarium?"
"Uh, let me see... uh..."
"I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium."
"I think the solarium would be lovely," I said.

We followed him there...
"Now, would you more...