Carry Jokes / Recent Jokes

MICROSOFT:' If G.M. had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got one-thousand miles to the gallon.'

GENERAL MOTORS:' Perhaps, but if G.M. had developed technology the same way Microsoft has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. You would just accept this, repair the damage and drive on.

2. Every time the lines were repainted on the road, you would have to buy a new car. You would accept this too.

3. Occasionally, but most often during rush-hour or when you are running late, your car would just die on the freeway for no apparent reason. Again, you would just accept this, re-start, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a normal maneuver, such as a left turn, will cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart. In such cases you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. more...

Q: Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets? A: To smell like big girls.

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

Big Busted Women
-can get a taxi on the worst days
-have a neat place to carry spare change
-have always been the center of the arts (art)
-make jogging a spectator sport
-can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
-have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
-usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
-can always carry a little extra
-always float better
-know where to look first for lost earrings
-rarely lack for a slow dance partner
-have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
Small Busted Women
-don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
-always look younger
-find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
-can always see their toes and shoes
-can sleep on their stomachs
-have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
-know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
-know more...

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.[Another quarter inch doesn't impress most women.]A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.[That same year men began asking, "Put that on my WHAT?" ]The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.[Stand clear or you'll get pucked.]America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.[3 very lonely men.]98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth.[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]In 1681, the last dodo bird died.[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]A more...

Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween? It was for tick or tweet!