Carol Jokes / Recent Jokes

Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la

See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-
non-endangered wood before us,
Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus
Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort,
Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global
warming,

Fast away the chronologically challenged year passes
Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons
Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure,
While I tell of non-materialistic, non-denominational-winter-
solstice-holiday treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la LA LA

Q: What's the favourite Christmas Carol of new parents?
A: Silent Night!

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Carol!
Carol who?
Carol go if you turn the ignition key!

My fiancee who is slightly twisted (obvious from her help on the last carol I posted) came up with this earlier this year.
Deck the halls with gasoline.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Light a match and watch them gleam.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Watch the school burn down to ashes.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Aren't you glad you played with matches.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
See the blazing school before us.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Shoot the band and hang the chorus.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Toast professors like marshmellows.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Aren't they such delicious fellows.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel... Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in Listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

Carol's husband, Arnie, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was a woman's work!
One evening Carol arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished.
It turns out that Arnie had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.
"We had a great dinner. Arnie even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Arnie was too tired!"

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.
Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500, 000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32, 000. Are you ready?"
Pam: "Yes."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it
A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"
Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a
Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."
Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) more...