Captain Jokes / Recent Jokes

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the more...

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., The Incredible Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Super Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman, Captain Invincible on a good day.
But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Sweetiepie.
Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just more...

By Nicholas Petreley
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Capitan, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order. "
"Aye, Captain, but she's just not rready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the more...

The three survivors of the shipwreck were being driven mad by hunger.
The Irishman, an expert navigator, told the others that if they could row
the lifeboat for three more days they could make landfall.
The Pole, the ship's doctor, said that they could not possibly last that
long, that there was only one solution to the problem and that one of them
would have to sacrifice themselves for the good of the others.
The Englishman, the captain, said that he quite understood and that he
would volunteer as he should have gone down with the ship anyway.
After saying an emotional farewell to his crewmen,
the captain jumped overboard and sank without trace.

The three survivors of the shipwreck were being driven mad by hunger.The Irishman, an expert navigator, told the others that if they couldrow the lifeboat for three more days they could make landfall.The Pole, the ship's doctor, said that they could not possibly lastthat long, that there was only one solution to the problem and thatone of them would have to sacrifice themselves for the good of the others.The Englishman, the captain, said that he quite understood and that hewould volunteer as he should have gone down with the ship anyway.After saying an emotional farewell to his crewmen, the captain jumpedoverboard and sank without trace.

Lazzy Airlines
-Passengers on a Lazzy flight heard this announcement from the captain:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lazzy Airlines have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an annoucement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and more...