Captain Jokes / Recent Jokes

Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at anairport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out thewindshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Lookhow short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That'sincredible! Are you sure we can make it?" "Well we better, werealmost out of fuel."So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers toput their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergencylanding. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane tojust over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on theragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the copilotwas praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUSTbefore the edge of the runway, the tires smoking."WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain."That runway was SHORT!""Yeah!" said the more...

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock.... one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm.... Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff).... uhhhhh.... we have to go back. ... we. . we. ... uhhhhhh. ... forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone more...

Two Antartians were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announces, "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later, the Captain announces, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left."
An hour later, the Captain announces, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry, we have one engine left."
One Antartian looked at the other and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him.The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire!
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
Paul gas coin!
Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time?
Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says' Do Not Disturb'!"

A boat is sinking fast when the Captain runs on deck and shouts to The passengers, "Hey, listen, do any of you know any prayers?"
A big Texan steps up and says, "Yessir, I do."
"Oh, good," replies the Captain,
"You'd better get started because we're a life jacket short."