Bottom Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs. And the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my freakin' ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!"

Many authors are disputing who wrote the Shakespeare plays. They each say they did. In their arguing, they decide to try and prove who wrote it by first showing Shakespeare's work, then theirs.
Shakespeare version:
TITANIA to BOTTOM
Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful.
Jack London's version:
TITANIA to BOTTOM
You're as wise as the snowy owl and as beautiful as the clear night sky with fresh white snow under the Northern lights.
Dr. Seuss' version:
TITANIA to BOTTOM
You're as attractive as green eggs on a plate and the way you sing is fantastically great!
Homer's version:
TITANIA to BOTTOM
Be you as wise as Odysseus and as beautiful as fair Helen.
Guess who won.

A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a question and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out.

Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.

Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown, and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.

Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of dirt at the lip?"

Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that. However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."

Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and that's where he leaves the dirt."

"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, more...

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?A: Air pockets.

What do robots put at the bottom of their e-mails? Yours tin-sincerely.

This man responded to an add in the paper to buy some realestate. The add read that it featured 20 acres of prime bottom land and since that's what he was interested in he hurried to look at it. Upon arriving the owner invited him to look at the run down house but he declined saying it was really the land he was interested in. So the owner told him to walk around and take a good look. He did. And in doing so he came across an old hand dug well that he couldn't see the bottom of so he tosses a rock into it and listens for the splash. He waits and there is no splash. So he figures that it must have hit the side or something and he gets a slightly larger rock and drops that in, carefully holding it above the center of the well. He waits. Still no splash! So damnit he can't find a bigger rock but about 10 feet away he sees an old rusty transmission case and he drops that into the well and listens for the splash. Suddenly he hears galloping behind him and when he turns his head and glances more...

What do vampires put at the bottom of their e-mails? Best viscious.