Book Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."
- David Letterman

What’s the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
Lawnmowers don’t bitch after they cut the yard.

What’s a man’s idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

How can you tell good mushrooms from bad ones?
Serve them to your mother-in-law. If she drops dead, they’re good!

Did you hear about the man who got caught masturbating while on board a commercial airliner?
He was arrested for skyjacking!

How are men like vacations?
They never seem to be long enough!

How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

What food describes most men?
Jerky.

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
Women working at 900 more...

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up inhis book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and lookedit up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, Iwill show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. Theywalked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with allsorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyerand told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing howimportant he was to the church could hardly imagine what hishouse would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on toa small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope thatthis would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said toSt. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and hegets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at thePope and said "True, you have done great more...

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book." "How current is your copy?" he asks. "I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?" "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet." "I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?" The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, more...

Lynne Spears is planning to write a book called "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World" about raising her family in the media spotlight. Chapter 1: Don't Listen to Anything I Say.

Children Books That Didn't Make It To The Press:
Children Books You Won't Eever See...
1...You Are Different and That's Bad
2...The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3...Dad's New Wife Robert
4...Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5...Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6...The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7...Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
8...Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9...All Cats Go to Hell!
10...The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11...Some Kittens Can Fly.
12...That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13...Grandpa Gets a Casket
14...The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15...Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia
16...The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17...Strangers Have the Best Candy
18...Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19...You Were an Accident
20...Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21...Pop! Goes The more...