Big Jokes / Recent Jokes

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, “Look lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t INSTALL them! ”

A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing herexpanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big. almost asbig as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and hefollowed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge." At this, the wiferetreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tapemeasure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gasgrill!"Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves onhis wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?" Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one littleweiner!"

There is one big difference between genius and stupidity; genius has limits.

Things are more like today than they ever were before.

Things could be worse; suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.

Things get worse under pressure.

Things go right so they can go wrnog.

Thinking is hard work. One can`t bear burdens and ideas at the same time.

This "law" has been intentionally left blank.

This "law" was inadvertently left blank.

This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists and not enough hunchbacks.

This space for rent.

I woke up early feeling a little depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "Another year older", but decided to make the best of it.

So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say Happy Birthday, dear.

All smiles, I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn''t say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought to myself, oh well, she just forgot.

The kids will be in in a few minutes all cheery and they will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me. There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited.

Finally the kids came running in yelling, "Give me a slice of toast", "I''m late", "Where is my coat", and "I''m going to miss the bus". Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a smile more...

    A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates andannounces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon readingthe entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff andto proceed into Heaven.
    A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watchingthese proceedings with interest.   He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanningthe preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
    The preacher is astonished and replies, "ButI am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely Irate higher than a cabbie."
    St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results.   When you preached, people slept.   When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

You must be surprised that I’m writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year!
Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street.
There was virtually nothing I wouldn’t do for humanity!
WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU’VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME more...

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!"Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks? Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!," he roars? Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells -"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?" "It was' Momma Bear' who got up first." "It was' Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up." "It was' Momma Bear' who made the Coffee." "It was' Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away." "It was' Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper." "It was' Momma Bear' who set the table." "It more...