Behind Jokes / Recent Jokes

A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year.". The young man said, "You're bullshitting me, man!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I''ll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we''ll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the more...

The facelift - 2
Morris decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 at Bushey hospital and feels really good about the result. But would others see how good he looked? So he thought he would put this to the test. On his way home, he stops off at Brent Cross shopping centre. He first of all goes into Smiths, buys a newspaper and says to the girl behind the cash desk, "I hope you don`t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," came the reply.
"I`m actually 47," Morris says, feeling really happy.
Then he goes into Fenwicks for lunch and asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29 ".
"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.
In the car park on the way out, Morris meets two elderly ladies and asks them the same question. One of them winks to the other and replies, "I can’t really tell. I am 70 years old and my eyesight more...

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!
Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf, " says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!
About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?
I'm trying to take a shit!"

(I don't remember where I heard this, but I don't think it was in church...)
During a particularly wet winter, flood waters rise so high in one
town that the national guard evacuates all the residents. One man
stays behind, however, and when the water is waist-high, two national
guardsmen in a boat motor past his house, checking for people left
behind.
"We're evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat
and we'll carry you to safety!"
But the man says, "No, don't bother; I've led a pious life, and the
Lord will save me."
The men in the boat shrug their shoulders and motor away. Later,
when the water level has driven the man onto his roof, another boat
appears.
"Haven't you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, we'll save
you!"
But the man sends them away again, saying "No, no, the Lord will save
me!"
The water level keeps rising until the man more...

Having just returned from an African safari, Steve went to see his friend, Bill, to tell him of his adventures.
"There I was, out in the jungle," he said, "when I suddenly heard a noise in the bush behind me. I looked back and saw a huge lion, licking his chops and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me once more, and as he got closer, he slipped again. I happened to see a house not far away, so I ran towards it. I got close to the house with the lion almost on top of me when he slipped for a third time. With my very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."
"That's quite a story, Steve," Bill said. "I would have crapped in my pants."
"Well, what do you think the lion kept slipping on?!?"

One day Ms. Nelson, a kindergarden teacher, was giving a lesson on imagination. What she would do was hold an item behind her back, give a few descriptions of the item, and ask the kids to guess what it was.
First she said to the children "I have something long and yellow behind my back." The kids suggested a pencil. Ms. Nelson said "no, i'm holding a bannana, but I like you all's imagination.
Next she said" I have something round and red". Little Johnny stood up and guessed it was a ball. Ms. Nelson told Johnny it was an apple but she liked Johnny's imagination.
Johnny had an idea. He told his teacher, "I have something in my pocket that's warm and it has a head on it. Well Ms. Nelson got really upset and told Johnny he was to go to the principal's office for being soo dirty minded.
Little Johnny then said," No, Ms. Nelson, it's a quarter, but I LIKE YOU'RE IMAGINATION!!!