Bear Jokes / Recent Jokes

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river more...

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Billy and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows
for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids more...

Deep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine. "Hmmm" says the bear to the squirrel, "Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?"
"Yes it does" replies the squirrel.
"Great!" says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.

Sudan has found the British teacher who allowed students to name a teddy bear'Muhammad' guilty of insulting religion and inciting hatred against Islam, and has sentenced her to 15 days in jail and to deportation.

Upon hearing this news, people all over Sudan began naming teddy bears Muhammad.



While jurists in the free world mostly agreed with the Sudan verdict, they disagreed with the charges, saying that the teacher instead should have been convicted for insulting a teddy bear.

They argued that naming a bed of nails or a guillotine'Muhammad' is one thing, but warm and fuzzy objects such as teddy bears truly run contrary to Islam.

A greenhorn visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The greenhorn asked how he could become a sourdough.
The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman.
"No problem," said the cheechako, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.
The cheechako chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.
Finally, the cheechako staggers out of the cave. "Okay," he said to the guide. "Where's that Indian woman I'm supposed to wrassle!"

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a rum... and coke."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds, "I dunno... I've just always had them."

so a bear and a rabbit find a jenie in a forest and it says I will grant each of you 3 wishes starting with you rabbit so the rabbit says I want a leather jacket and a Harly Davidson motorcycle
and the bear goes why the heck would you want that- I wish all the bears in this forest where feamale- whoohoo!
I wish I had a Harly Davidson hat says the rabbit
I wish all the bears in this whole country where feamale and the bear slicks back his hair
the jenie looks at the rabbit and the rabbit says Oh Im thinking-you can ask him and he points to the bear
I wish all the bear in the world where feamales
the jenie points looks back to the rabbit and the rabbit says Uh-I whish the bear was gay and he hops on the motorcycle and drives off.