Bars Jokes / Recent Jokes

It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's got on a close-fitting, lowcut, pink summer dress with spaghetti straps.
As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest.
He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress.
The husband, noticing the apes excitement,
suggests that his wife tease the ape.
The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then her husband suggests that she let one of the straps of her dress slip down.
She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars.
Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does.
This about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy.
Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her more...

A bear walked into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer. The bartender approached and said, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana. ” The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer. The bartender again told him, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana. ” The bear, very angry now, said, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar. ” The bartender once again said, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana. ” The bear went to the end of the bar and, as he had promised, ate the woman. He came back to his seat, and again demanded a beer. The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana, that are on drugs. ” The bear said, ” I’m not on drugs. ” The bartender said, “Yes you are. That was a bar bitch you ate. ”

IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. Girlfriends, take heed! There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the street name "Beer". All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.

An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn't play. "I have 84 bars rest," says the tubist.
To which the conductor replies, "But we are past those 84 bars already".
The tubist: "How should I know that?".
The conductor replies, "You can count, can't you?".
The tubist: "Do you call that rest?"

One morning two priests head to the showers. It isn't until they were already in the shower, that they realized they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap.
Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he decides to make a run for it. He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking towards him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap.
The nuns approach and the first nun says, "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most lifelike statue you've ever seen?"
She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap.
"Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of more...

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself more...

There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"