Barry Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    ' WORDS OF WISDOM AT THE HALF CENTURY MARK'
    From the book,' Dave Barry Turns 50'

    1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

    2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe' Daylight Saving Time'.

    3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

    4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

    5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

    6. A penny saved is worthless.

    7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a more...

    College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1, 998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to more...

    College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to more...

    Quotes from D. C. Mayor Marion Barry
    " The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
    - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
    " I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
    - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
    " If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
    - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
    " First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
    - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
    " Bitch set me up."
    - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
    " I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
    - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
    " The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is more...

    What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
    - Tom Clancy
    "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesomethings that money can buy."
    - Steve Martin
    "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
    - Drew Carey
    "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go its pretty damned good."
    - Woody Allen
    "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
    - Unknown
    "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
    - Rodney Dangerfield
    "Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing."
    - Dick Brandon
    "Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it"
    - Richard Feynman
    "All pop music is about sex. Rock is about more...

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