Dave Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says,' Hey Dave, how ya doin?'

    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.' Oh no,' says Dave.' He's on my bowling team.'

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,' You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'

    'No honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'

    A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.' Hi Davey,' she says,' Want your usual table dance?'

    Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in more...

    A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was
    told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to
    Communist Hell.
    Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to
    Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored.
    "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," he replied, "In
    Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a
    rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small
    pieces with sharp knives."
    "That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist
    Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line
    of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven
    times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through
    to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people
    in. Dave asked Karl more...

    Bar Joke
    Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
    Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
    Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
    Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
    here!
    The argument repeats itself until they are all drunk. Dave goes to the toilet.
    On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
    Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder .
    >>
    Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
    Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
    Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
    Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
    Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
    Suit: - Well, it's more...

    REAL STORY: A Cork Radio Station in Ireland, 96 FM, was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary, yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week.
    The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two, needless to say, stood out:
    DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
    Caller: Hi, me name's Dave.
    DJ: Dave, what is your word?
    Caller: Goan: spelled G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an.'
    DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, 'goan' is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now, for a trip for two to Bali, can you make a sentence using that word and at the same time making logical sense?
    Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"
    At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced that there was no place for that sort of language on a family show.
    After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the more...

    ' WORDS OF WISDOM AT THE HALF CENTURY MARK'
    From the book,' Dave Barry Turns 50'

    1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

    2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe' Daylight Saving Time'.

    3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

    4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

    5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

    6. A penny saved is worthless.

    7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a more...

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