Australia Jokes / Recent Jokes
An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd seen the Sydney Harbor and everything else, but he wanted to see the *real* Australia. So there he found himself, on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasn't much to see. There was a drought on it was hot and the wind was blowing dust everywhere. He got off the train and made for the pub, sweating and cursing as he swatted in vain at the clouds of files that buzzed around him. The pub's only customer, a bloke in a blue singlet, greeted him with a "G'day!" The American ordered a beer. "Yank eh?" quizzed the Aussie. "Sure am buddy," the Yank replied. "Waddya think of this part of Australia, yank?" the bloke asked. "I think it's got to be the a**hole of the world," the Yank replied. There was a five second pause as the local sucked on his smoke. Then he asked: "You just passing through?"
(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0. 14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure more...
If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
How the World Cup 2003 was won:
Super Six: Australia, India, Kenya, Sri Lanka, New Zealand and Zimbabwe. Only countries whose name ended with A went into the Semi-Finals. Australia
India
Kenya
Sri Lanka
(New Zealand and Zimbabwe did not have A at their end). Only countries whose names ended with IA went into the Final Australia India
(Kenya and Sri Lanka did not have IA at their end)
Who took the Cup? : Kisne World Cup "Lia"? Austra"lia"!
Who gave the Cup? : Kisne World Cup "Dia"? In"dia"!
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie....
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can Ifollow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.. .
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise.(Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in more...
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? more...
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. The following appeared on the back page of one of Australia's more outrageous computer publications, "Computing Australia", 21st Sept 1987:. .. Blame it on the computer. An unfriendly computer has been held responsible for a "potentially lethal error" involving a Mafia loan collector. A New York paper inadvertently put the `heavy' in the running for a pair of custom-fitted concrete shoes when it identified him as a "ruthless informer". According to a published retraction (and apology!), a writer on the paper had actually typed "ruthless enforcer" - but the computer system's spelling checker liked it the other way. And I thought the worst you could expect from a "computer error" was a bill for a million dollars!