Australia Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were three Chinese men that came to Australia. One went to a footy game and learnt the phrase "ohh yeah!". The other goes to a bakery and learns "Knife and Fork". The third man went to an Opera and learns "mee mee mee mee meeso". One day all three men arrive at a crime scene. The cop turns around and asks who did this. The guy who went to the Opera said "mee mee mee mee mee mee". The cop says what weapon did u use and the other guy said "Knife and Fork" and the cop says your going to jail for murder and the other guy says "ohh yeah"!

A Texan is visiting Australia for the first time; He sees a sheep and starts laughing; he says to his Australian guide " oh, at home in Texas, sheep are twice as big!" He then sees a cow ands bursts " Puff, in Texas, our cows are much, much bigger!" And suddenly, he sees a kangaroo and asks, "What's that?" the guide answers " oh, that's just a grasshopper..."

When Gavaskar finds out that there has been released, a movie, in Australia called "Gavaskar", he is very happy. He plans to watch it and gets a ticket for Australia at once. With great difficulty he manages to get a ticket and very happily he goes to see the movie. But when he comes out of the cinema he is very angry!
He goes straight to the director of the movie and says, "What do you mean by this? You named your movie `Gavaskar`, but didn’t show anything about me in it!".
The director of the movie laughs and says, "So now you understand the problem? You people too made a movie called `Border`, but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?"

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?"

"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.

The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?"

Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."

There was a disco at a local university and a fella asked a girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and said, "In Australia, we call this a hug."

"Yaah," she replied. "In Sveden, we call it a hug, too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek and said, "In Australia, we call this a kiss."

"Yaah, in Sveden we call it a kiss, too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to root her.

Lying together afterwards, he turns to her and grins, "In Australia, we call that a grass sandwich."

"Yah, in Sveden we call it a grass sandwich, too, but we usually put more meat in it."

Australia.Where men are real menAnd sheep are scared shitlessAnd where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely different

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.

The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0. 14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his more...