Attorney Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. "Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk. "Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question".
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight? Witness: Yes.Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere? Witness: Yes.Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand? Witness: Yes.Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!! Witness: Yes.Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the more...
"Tell me," said the personnel director of a large corporation, "are you an honest attorney?"
"Honest?" the lawyer replied. "Let me tel you something. My lather lent me ten thousant dollars for my education, and I paid him back d| full after my very first case."
"I'm impressed," he said. "And what case was that?"
The attorney squirmed slightly. "He sued me for the money."
The attorney strode confidently over to the witness. "Come now, Mr. Pendergast. It was nearly midnight, yet you say you saw my client strangle Mr. Pedigrew from nearly seven blocks away! Just how far can you see at night?"
Mr. Pedigrew shrugged. "I dunno. How far away is the moon?"
I was wondering if anyone else is having a problem with the Carbon Based Unit, Model # Homo Sapiens. The following is a list of constant problems:- A constant whining whenever the brain disengages after debating the virtues of the automobile selection process- Overheats when the air/gray matter ratio exceeds rational equilibrium in regard to ones own responsibility to auto maintenance- When mouth is placed in gear, makes loud noise whilst insulting the the auto professional. (see previous item)- Software controlling the "computer" is defective.. wild random responses to input stimuli (i. e. "Have you checked the oil..?" ) - Motor controls are sluggish (i. e. response to traffic light stimuli and expected law abiding response)- Mouth continues to run long after brain has shut off - Touts superior performance, but functions do not perform as advertised- Lifetime warranty is a misnomer. Cannot get problems fixed under any policy- Model not eligible for trade in or more...
At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say more...