Attend Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following journal entry has been "borrowed" from a federal employee, whose name and occupation have been withheld for his or her protection.Dear Diary,Today was the same as any other day. I got to work 5 hours early in order to find parking in the Menial Federal Employee Parking Lot. It's mandatory that all employees park in the lot, although there are only 10 spots for 400 employees, but there is ample street parking.Then there is the Supervisor Lot, which has 50 spots for 2 supervisors. Our cars will be immediately towed if we park in the Supervisor Lot. Actually, one of the two supervisors does nothing but make sure that nobody else parks in the Supervisor Lot. He's currently making a six-figure salary.At the door, I had to show my building card to the security guard. He started telling me about his wife's problems. I told him I need to get to work, and he reminded me of the clause in my contract that stated that I have to listen to every story he wants to tell me.Six more...

Teacher: Tomorrow There Will Be A Lecture On Sun. Everyone Must Attend It.
Raju: No Ma'm! I Will Not Be Able To Attend It.
Teacher: Why?
Raju: My Mother Will Not Allow Me To Go So Far!!!

You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA Grid_____________

INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________ DRIVERS LICENCE ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ STATE___________ POSTCODE______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than more...

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not
you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE
ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that
difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
..




The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the
giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in
a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
..



Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and
close the door.






Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator remove the giraffe and put
in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your
foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the
animals attend except one. Which more...

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200. 00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200. 00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200. 00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

After Receiving an Invitation to a Physicists' Ball:

Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

Ampère was worried he wasn't up on current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.

Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.

Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.