American Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks,
"How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch! " the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."

There was an american who went to Mexico. He was walking around. He got tired so he stoped at this donkey renting place. He told the clerk he would like to rent a donkey. The clerk told him we dont call them donkeys here we call them asses. So he got an ass. The clerk also told him that to get them to go you have to scratch them. Later on he stoped to get a hotdog. He asked the clerk for one. The clerk said we dont call them hotdogs here we call them weiners. So he went a while then the ass stoped.He got off. The american saw this tourist he asked him if he could hold his weiner while he scratched his ass.

On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.

The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to see a man making love to the corpse.

"Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead, that woman is dead!"

"Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up. "I thought she was an American girl."

An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman were discussing a good example of savoir-faire.
"Ok," said the Englishman, "if you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you didn't kill him, that to me, is savoir-faire."
"Not quite, fellas," said the American. "If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please carry on', that's savoir-faire."
"Mais non," said the Frenchman. "If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please carry on', and he could, that's savoir-faire."

An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector.
The Englishman says:
"I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Ok", he says, "10 bottles".
And the machine is silent.
The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Allright, 8 hamburgers".
And the machine's silent.
The Sardarji says:
"I think...",
BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.

Below are fine examples of what happens when marketing translations fail to reach a foreign country in an understandable way. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick". Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of more...

A German, an Italian, and a goofy American were trying to get into the stadium at the Sydney Olympics, but the seats were all sold out. The enterprising German stripped down to his shorts and undershirt, picked up a cane fishing pole in a nearby alley, and marched right in stating boldly, "Heinrich Schneider, Germany, Pole Vault."

Noting the ease of entry, the Italian took off his outer garments, grabbed a large round stone, then just as boldly strode in the gate, announcing, "Pasquale Galento, Italy, Shot Put."

Not to be outdone, the American guy took off all but his BVD'S, went into a nearby hardward store were he purchased some barb-wire. As he approached the gate the American spoke out confidently, "Hans Dumbkopfski, USA,, Fencing."